Today is my sister Becky's birthday and the first that I have spent without her. Had she lived, she would have been 56 years old.
I feel sad and confused.
I still remember that day the medical examiner called me. Although I knew he was calling about someone being dead -- I honestly didn't think it would be her. It is one of those times in my life when I have been caught off guard and totally surprised by something.
All I can say is that I miss her.
Many people missed her, especially the school she taught at and all her students (she was a special ed teacher). They wanted a big memorial service, but I had to say no. She didn't want that and I could not go against her wishes.
I do know that she touched some of her students lives, from stories I have heard. That would have been all that she would hoped for and I must be happy with that also.
Doesn't keep me from missing her. Christmas will be very hard this year. Two sisters gone in about 2 years. At times it feels like more than I can bear. However, I will continue for how ever long I have and I will do my best to find joy in whatever there is. We can't waste our lives being sad about what could have been, we must continue on as if the bad things were only minor setbacks. We must predetermine to be happy even though that doesn't heal all pain.
Although I have not been depressed in a horrible way -- like hoping or planning for death, I have had more than a bit of depression to deal with these past two years. Right about the time I felt I was emerging from the cocoon of my sister Debi's death -- I had Becky's death to deal with. This seemed to take form in me not getting anything done. I would put off my normal appointments (like the dentist for months and months). My house was even more messy than normal. Even making it to the post office to mail packages never happened. I did still blog, but that was about all of my normal activities that I keep up with.
It is only now that I sit here with my teeth and mouth in constant pain that I realize what form my depression took. In the past, I would have neve gone more than 6 months without seeing a dentist. However, over the past two years I have been unwilling to leave the house except for the most basic need -- such as food. The pain finally drove me to a dentist, but if it hadn't happened I likely would still ignoring it even though I could visiably see how much I needed a dentist.
I suppose that I expected depression to take a traditional form, but instead it took the form of isolation and apathy. I could get by without calling that depression and there by enabling myself. Now that I fully realize it, I must take action against it and try to move on.